Sphere's of Influence

Back during my younger days in the evil corporate world we played a silly game called "Spheres of Influence". It is a magical exercise designed to help moron managers figure out knuckle headed employees and how to influence an outcome favorable to the Company goal. Simply put who was pulling who's strings and how to be the puppet master.

In life I guess we follow this idea perhaps in reverse. If we consider ourselves as the man in the middle then our personal "Sphere of Influence" flows outward. We begin to surround ourselves with people and place them in a priority according to our needs and their ability to fill them. Occasionally, these placements become mutual in benefit for both your sphere and theirs. It's very rare, I think, that that becomes a complete circle. Yet still more rare is that person who imagines themselves as a island and needs no one else. If that does exist how lonely I can imagine they are.

For now let's ignore the parental influence since we all had one, good or bad, and delve into the adult world. I understand that the parental influence can be strong and have formed the adult however, at some point we have to take responsibility for ourselves and move on.

As we mature don't we begin to bring people into our world by choice to fit some need that we have. There is the steadfast friend that we seek whom we can confide in to share our secrets and never expect judgement from. The lover that we can be open and intimate with exposing our vulnerabilities and bare our sole. The leader that we seek advise from about life's issues and what path we should consider. The support people who we can call on in a crisis and know that they can help. The family that we know will rally around us. If we are not careful then and place all of this on one person can't our world be more easily shattered because no one person can carry it all?

In this time of my life I have sought to more clearly identify those I have placed in areas of influence. As with any decision we make in life there is never a guarantee that we make the right choice. I have to be reminded that these people have needs of their own and they can not put them aside. It's difficult to keep the lines clear and not become a burden and something I deal with constantly. There are difficult issues to deal with everyday and the guilt associated with the dependence can be overwhelming.

Ironically, prior to now I had always considered myself as that strong leader with rock hard emotions and the ability to handle anything life brought down the road. How wrong I have been. I really need those within my "Sphere of Influence" each and every one and deal constantly with the guilt of that need.

For those that find themselves caught up in my sphere I can not express my heart felt gratitude strongly enough nor apologize often enough for the inconvenience it causes. I can only hope that someday I will be able to return the love that each of you have given me so freely.

Table Scrapes

I was thinking today at lunch how funny it is that my two dachshunds wait patiently for something coming off the table top at meal time. You see it hasn't always been that way. We have friends with a quadruped family member that is particularly fond of table food. He is really fond of ham. It wasn't long after these friends shared the dinner table with us that our dogs began to develop the same fondness. I'm not sure how that happened since I had always been a strong disciplinarian about such things.

I guess the amazing part about this is that they really do not care what comes down from the table of life as long as it comes from there. I have given them everything from meat to brussel sprouts. They devourer it regardless and beg for more. What self respecting dog will eat such things? It's not like their starved and don't like their regular diet. Always wagging there tail with unabashed joy.

I wonder as people if we can ever enjoy such unadulterated joy as we eat from the table of life? Always rejoicing in what's on our plate at the table. Constantly consuming life with joy and anticipating our next bite. Sometimes it could be something that I hate as bad as rutabagas or love as much as cake. Can I eat them both with the same vigor and wag my tail looking for more. I know right now I'm having trouble with some of it and grumbling with every bite.

I am going to start being more like Trick n Treat and try to swallow from life's table with a new outlook. Maybe wag my tail more.

Does Anyone Really Understand?

The last two days were negative days for me and although I know very well that having them is a "no no". I guess sometimes there are going to be things going on that will affect me no matter what. Maybe, it's the concern over other people that are so closely involved with me and feeling selfish about involving them that causes it. The reality is that regardless of my situation life still happens to them too.

I was wondering if anyone can really understand what happens in your mind when you face this challenge. I mean after all I've known people facing bad things, felt empathy and yet did I really understand. I think not. After all how could I?

I had lunch with my son-in-law yesterday and obviously this situation was a topic of conversation. He was expressing his frustration that no one had a single cure for the disease that plague us humans. Why he wondered, if the single cells could be identified then why couldn't the treatment just kill it and leave everything else alone. I believe we both are so clueless about the complexity of the body that we can't understand.

If you understand the theory of "chemo" then you understand that this is a "treatment" for what exists not a "cure" for what has happened. The cocktail is literally poison attacking your body. As with any attack against an enemy there will be causalities on both sides. Your future once you have started, as with life, is predetermined by the results of the treatment. The cause requiring the treatment will still survive the attack because you see we don't know what causes it.

Given all of this "does anyone really understand" how we feel as the one at the center of the battle? Most of us survive to fight the war another day, sometimes long in to the future, I will be one to fight another day. I will win the battle today.

I can only ask that we all try to understand everyone's battles in life everyday. I will try not to have down days because I know they're a "waste of time" but I do really understand now what is going on in the mind of the "front line solders" in this war.

Be patient with me as we go and stay positive!