Alone

I was thinking recently about my occasional feeling of being alone during this journey with my cancer. Having this feeling, even though I am surrounded by friends and family supporting me, is perfectly normal I think. Being here for another treatment affords me the time to reflect on this and then bore you with my thoughts.

This time in my life lends itself to feeling alone. Most likely the most alone I will ever be. I think that this and our final walk towards death is something that we all have to do alone.

I know that everyone walking with me now certainly empathize with me but really can't feel the same way. I hope and pray that none of them will ever deal with this. The feeling of being alone is that I am personally alone in doing this while having tremendous support from those around me.

You see only I can feel these feelings and those around me need a break from my reality. The reality is that for me the patient there is no break from reality. I feel sick and depressed and no amount of concern expressed by anyone can take away those feelings of lonelyness. I to would love to be able to escape the reality of it all but can't do that yet.

It's in the dark of the night when your the most alone that the reality calls upon you to use the most of your inner strength to fight back. No one can do that for you you must do it alone. It is not always easy to fight the feelings of depression and wrap your mind around the positive outcome that you must remain focused on.

It's that need that you have to reach deep inside your own soul and find the strength to fight, win and endure. These are things you do alone now and in the future as your battle continues. No one can take any of this away and do it for you no matter how badly they want to. It's still yours alone to conquer.

I think it's understandable to feel alone now in spite of a great circle of friends and family supporting me. After all I am the one sitting here hooked up to the meds and feeling the effects on my body. I love each and everyone supporting me now and know that I can count on every one of them. Yet it is a walk I must walk alone.

I am not angry, bitter or disappointed about being alone, as I've tried to explain it and hope that each of you understand what I'm saying. I expect this feeling, understand it and therefore I'm OK with it.