I'm sorry to say that I have just spent possibly the worst weekend in depression brought on by this "Demon" from the start. Perhaps it"s because I've completed the fourth round of "chop" and he knows there's only two more to beat me with? Last week was a glorious reprieve from the sickness and maybe that's why he had to show me that the battles still on.
Your mind is a complex thing for sure and when you find yourself alone it seems the hardest to control. My thoughts become so random as I ride the roller coaster up and down. Knowing the truth of winning this in no way can always concur the negative things you think. I go from being hopeless and helpless to defiant. I am angry at people that have hurt me and yet can't stop thinking about them. I feel great sorrow for the people that I have hurt and recognize the retribution in feeling it. I wonder if it's all worth it while knowing without question it is. I question every decision I've made in life and relive every regret. Visit every heartbreak and suffer every heart I've broken. Remember every failure and worry about the next. Worry about a future that none of us can control and what happens to those I love.
Depression and the "Demon", trust me he will grab you no matter what you think and you have a mighty struggle sometimes to push him back. I always thought I was a very strong person emotionally and this will tell if it's so. I still believe it but there are times like these that are testing my strength.
Yes it"s been a bad experience this time and I find little comfort in knowing it's nearly over. I dread the last more than the beginning now I guess because I know the routine.
Today is better and tomorrow will be fine yesterday was the day to whine.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
These times of our lives
I was talking with a friend lately about his struggles of life's most difficult times. Those times that bring home the reality of unpleasant things we must all face. Our parents age along with other close family members and our children cross over thresholds in their journey of life. We feel uncertain about the outcome of one and saddened about the certainty of the other.
He mentioned the depression he feels dealing with his aging parents and trying to direct them in their affairs. It's that time of our lives that we become the parent and recognize that things are never going to be the same. It falls upon one of us to carry the burden while others will avoid dealing with these realities.
It reminded my to well about doing these things with my Dad in his death bed. A time in which we should not have had to deal with these very tough decisions. But like most of us we procrastinated because he nor I wanted to deal with reality.
I have recently gotten very serious about my own future and we have been trying to make long term decisions about retirements, life insurance and those things that I don't want anyone to be burdened with at the end. We spent allot of time speculating about how things would turn out fifteen or so years in the future. My conclusion was that no matter what we planned it is a crap shoot. Discussion and decision that I never imagined I would be dealing with now.
Our children grow into lives of their own and sometimes experience disappointments and setbacks. Some times their issues seem to become so overwhelming and we feel so helpless to save them. Unfortunately, for my heart most of my children's problems have occurred at times I have been unable to provide much relief. Like any parent my heart breaks because of it.
We loose dear friends because of life situations and feel emptiness in our hearts and yearn for things to be, as my friend said, "back in those carefree days". The truth is things will never be like they used to be. Life does not allow "do overs". We are forever bound tomorrow by decisions we make today. Before you decide the grass in greener on the other side of the fence make sure the soil is not full of worms. I have heard it said that it's better to know the devil you've got than the one in the deep blue sea. Or something like that.
These are the times of our lives and so many things are happening that will influence the time we have left. It's scary, I think, to imagin what the future holds for us and our children. We can't control the outcomes and it's not always easy to handle the results.
Yep these times of our lives are difficult but they are the times of our lives.
He mentioned the depression he feels dealing with his aging parents and trying to direct them in their affairs. It's that time of our lives that we become the parent and recognize that things are never going to be the same. It falls upon one of us to carry the burden while others will avoid dealing with these realities.
It reminded my to well about doing these things with my Dad in his death bed. A time in which we should not have had to deal with these very tough decisions. But like most of us we procrastinated because he nor I wanted to deal with reality.
I have recently gotten very serious about my own future and we have been trying to make long term decisions about retirements, life insurance and those things that I don't want anyone to be burdened with at the end. We spent allot of time speculating about how things would turn out fifteen or so years in the future. My conclusion was that no matter what we planned it is a crap shoot. Discussion and decision that I never imagined I would be dealing with now.
Our children grow into lives of their own and sometimes experience disappointments and setbacks. Some times their issues seem to become so overwhelming and we feel so helpless to save them. Unfortunately, for my heart most of my children's problems have occurred at times I have been unable to provide much relief. Like any parent my heart breaks because of it.
We loose dear friends because of life situations and feel emptiness in our hearts and yearn for things to be, as my friend said, "back in those carefree days". The truth is things will never be like they used to be. Life does not allow "do overs". We are forever bound tomorrow by decisions we make today. Before you decide the grass in greener on the other side of the fence make sure the soil is not full of worms. I have heard it said that it's better to know the devil you've got than the one in the deep blue sea. Or something like that.
These are the times of our lives and so many things are happening that will influence the time we have left. It's scary, I think, to imagin what the future holds for us and our children. We can't control the outcomes and it's not always easy to handle the results.
Yep these times of our lives are difficult but they are the times of our lives.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Alone
I was thinking recently about my occasional feeling of being alone during this journey with my cancer. Having this feeling, even though I am surrounded by friends and family supporting me, is perfectly normal I think. Being here for another treatment affords me the time to reflect on this and then bore you with my thoughts.
This time in my life lends itself to feeling alone. Most likely the most alone I will ever be. I think that this and our final walk towards death is something that we all have to do alone.
I know that everyone walking with me now certainly empathize with me but really can't feel the same way. I hope and pray that none of them will ever deal with this. The feeling of being alone is that I am personally alone in doing this while having tremendous support from those around me.
You see only I can feel these feelings and those around me need a break from my reality. The reality is that for me the patient there is no break from reality. I feel sick and depressed and no amount of concern expressed by anyone can take away those feelings of lonelyness. I to would love to be able to escape the reality of it all but can't do that yet.
It's in the dark of the night when your the most alone that the reality calls upon you to use the most of your inner strength to fight back. No one can do that for you you must do it alone. It is not always easy to fight the feelings of depression and wrap your mind around the positive outcome that you must remain focused on.
It's that need that you have to reach deep inside your own soul and find the strength to fight, win and endure. These are things you do alone now and in the future as your battle continues. No one can take any of this away and do it for you no matter how badly they want to. It's still yours alone to conquer.
I think it's understandable to feel alone now in spite of a great circle of friends and family supporting me. After all I am the one sitting here hooked up to the meds and feeling the effects on my body. I love each and everyone supporting me now and know that I can count on every one of them. Yet it is a walk I must walk alone.
I am not angry, bitter or disappointed about being alone, as I've tried to explain it and hope that each of you understand what I'm saying. I expect this feeling, understand it and therefore I'm OK with it.
This time in my life lends itself to feeling alone. Most likely the most alone I will ever be. I think that this and our final walk towards death is something that we all have to do alone.
I know that everyone walking with me now certainly empathize with me but really can't feel the same way. I hope and pray that none of them will ever deal with this. The feeling of being alone is that I am personally alone in doing this while having tremendous support from those around me.
You see only I can feel these feelings and those around me need a break from my reality. The reality is that for me the patient there is no break from reality. I feel sick and depressed and no amount of concern expressed by anyone can take away those feelings of lonelyness. I to would love to be able to escape the reality of it all but can't do that yet.
It's in the dark of the night when your the most alone that the reality calls upon you to use the most of your inner strength to fight back. No one can do that for you you must do it alone. It is not always easy to fight the feelings of depression and wrap your mind around the positive outcome that you must remain focused on.
It's that need that you have to reach deep inside your own soul and find the strength to fight, win and endure. These are things you do alone now and in the future as your battle continues. No one can take any of this away and do it for you no matter how badly they want to. It's still yours alone to conquer.
I think it's understandable to feel alone now in spite of a great circle of friends and family supporting me. After all I am the one sitting here hooked up to the meds and feeling the effects on my body. I love each and everyone supporting me now and know that I can count on every one of them. Yet it is a walk I must walk alone.
I am not angry, bitter or disappointed about being alone, as I've tried to explain it and hope that each of you understand what I'm saying. I expect this feeling, understand it and therefore I'm OK with it.
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