Lost and Found

Boy, how many times in life have you ever lost something, a person, place or thing, only to find it later and it was there all the time. Sometimes it only requries a little quiet reflection to remember where you put it or where they are. I've done that more often here lately. I think it comes from having to much on your mind at once or our ability to focus on details as we get older.

For instance the other day, while having dinner at Denny's, I saw an old friend who has long since left us. Now this is the second time I've seen him in passing and he really was only there in my mind. I have lost touch with those memories occassionally and he is making sure I find them again. This was a guy I only knew a short time before he was gone but somehow he made an impression. I'm still trying to find out what it was. I think what I lost and was trying to find was that something I missed about an old friend that I had somehow missplaced. Everybody that touches our life has to leave us something to loose and then find again because it's lifes memories that we will always have even after we've lost something.

I've lost things lately that I havn't had time to miss completely yet but I am positive that I will over time. I guess there are things that we are destined to loose becasue life is that way. Fortunately "they" say that we never forget anything we see, hear or do it's just filed away somewhere in our mind and hard to recover on occassion. That's why things just come to us for seemingly no reason and we find what we're looking for.

I hope I can find everything I've lost because I'm sure I'm going to need it sometime.

Today's Angry Man!

"Standard Disclaimer". Nothing in this post is directed at any one person and my Family is in no way included.

Well today starts round three in Chemo and I have found myself in an angry place. You see as I mention very early in this blog I may have had unrealistic expectations about people I thought would be here through this. My Caregiver is in desperate need of support and it's not been forthcoming from people I expected to help her.

Like I have said this issue has revealed a friend's true colors. People I expected to rally around us have disappointed me greatly. I guess the thing that makes me the most angry is that it has shown me what a totally worthless friend I have been when I was needed. That's right it has caused me to see myself as an embarrassment and failure to be there for someone else.

Are we really so busy dealing with life that we have lost all respect for what is most important in life. Who is going to be there in your most desperate time of need? When I have failed so miserably to be any ones friend I should expect what is happening. Must we all go through something terrible to realize what's truly important. I know I have had to but I pray you will never have to.

I guess the reality is that Mae and I must circle the wagons closer and expect to handle this alone. Truly, we've always known that it would be the case because that's just life. Some people are afraid to be involved others can't deal with the reality and some just are simply to busy.

The disappointment about those I counted on to help her cope has only been slightly cushioned by those that have impressed me by their involvement. I fully understand the pressures of life but I can also offer you a unique view about how your life can change in an instant. Find solitude in your good fortune today and pray that tomorrow doesn't bring you life changing bad news.

I'm sorry if your feelings have been hurt by my anger and I feel better to have stated it. Today, I'm just an angry man but I find it easy to forgive those who have failed us. You see my life has changed forever and anger will not rule me anymore.

Thanks again to those who remain engaged and provide my Caregiver your support. She in in desperate need of it and is carrying a heavy burden. Thanks again to my children and family for bearing the burden so soon after losing you Mom. I can only imagine your struggle with this. We all miss her everyday I'm sure.

There I somehow feel better.... I am committed to not being a masked friend if ever I am needed to help someone cope with life.

The Tool Box

Quite recently the safety net developed a hole that has to be repaired. This was truly an accident and was not any ones fault. You see, I believe in life we all have certain tools that we bring into relationships that solve problems or issues. Everyone is unique in their ability to interact with someone else. I thought about it and decided to examine my own tool box. I think if you use the wrong tools or expect someone to work on something they are not equipped for you can do damage to yourself and them.

Some of us may think we are "master mechanics" able to repair or replace anything solely on our own. Well perhaps we should think again because you cannot possess everything you need to deal with any situation. I think we are created to have a natural need for other people in our lives.

Each of those around me possess special tools providing the support that they are best at. I have the ability to draw on each of those people in my tool box when I need their support. Everyone in it is there by choice and willing to be used at any time. What a gift they are.

Every tool smith knows you need a good hammer, screwdriver, pliers and some duct tape. With those basics you can save a ship from sinking. The hammer drives home the point. A screwdriver tightens up the loose ends. The pliers help you get a grip and the duct tape will hold it all together.

Right now I feel like my hammer has a broken handle and I need to replace it to fix the safety net. Now the hammer I had for this was of the best quality made but it was not really designed for my specific job. It was my misuse that has lead to this breakage not the ability of the hammer. It's always hard to find a good hammer and there is no replacement for the broken one which will stay in my tool box forever.

I have got to hammer home the point that we are winning this battle, make sure that all the loose ends are tight, get a grip on my mindset and wrap more tape around the problem.

I'm not sure where I will fit into the teams toolbox later when my problem is solved but you can rest assured that I will be ready willing and able to lend a hand if they need it. Do you know which tool you are and where you fit in someone elses tool box?