While sitting in my office yesterday somewhere between Indiana and Alabama I had the opportunity to consider "Birthdays". Mine was yesterday in fact. I have reached the age of 57 and I have many things to consider. But, to begin with I thought about the very idea of having birthday celebrations.
I mean first of all why do we celebrate birthdays? Other than those that we are required to observe to meet certain legal requirements the rest are not very popular. Like in order to start our education, get a drivers license, think we're old enough to leave home, get married, vote or borrow money you have to have a certain number of Birthdays.
What do we mean by telling someone "Happy Birthday" are we glad they had one, or "happy" they had another one? In reality from our first birthday on we are working toward some conclusion to life in this current chemical composition. I think we all have some idea as to how many "Happy Birthdays" we're going to have. For fun I did one of those silly Internet deals where you can project you "Dead Day" based on lifestyle inputs. Now we know that these things are based on statistical charts using everyone that has passed away with similar lifestyle choices. Mine is November 7, 2026. That's prior to my 74th "Happy Birthday". If you believe that crap do you think my 73rd will be "Happy"? Besides this disease, that we are going to defeat, there are a lot of things that could change that stupid clock. Right?
After all why do we count anniversaries of birthdays anyway? Keeping in mind what I said about the legal requirements we have to meet ,what's the point? Each successive one brings new stages of regret and little promise other than that we may have another one. I mean think about it. You have your 30th "Happy Birthday" thinking gosh I'm getting old. I'm not 20 something anymore. Then you hit 40 thinking gosh I'm half way somewhere but, where is it? I'm going to buy a red sports car to prove I still can... be something. Then 50 comes. Damn I'm old and stuff has quit working. Have I "made it" in life like "they" say I should have by now. Boy hit 60 and then what? You start thinking about retirement, what is retirement I can't afford it anyway. Crap 70 comes along. Now you want to know what time the "early bird special starts". You talk incessantly about all you illnesses and what doctors appointments you have next week. You hope there will be enough money to "get in the box" safely. Etc....
Would we be better off to stop being reminded how old we're getting by doing "Happy Birthday"? Do they really become more unhappy because we're measuring them against that preconceived last birthday celebration. If I didn't know how old I was yesterday then I probably feel less pressure to make another one before they run out
Well I was 57 yesterday and there's a whole lot more behind me than ahead of me. I have left a lot of regrets and pleasures behind. It's up to me now to make the best of how many are left. There are certainly fewer to go so every one needs to be "Happier" than the last. I need to love harder, care more, stop sweating the small stuff and gain more patience. I will be "Happy" to celebrate them with my friends and my family!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Friends
Last night I had the opportunity to spend some time with about twelve friends in an early celebration of my birthday. Perhaps the last occasion that I can be exposed to that many people in a public place until after my treatment is over.
My circle of friends is made up of a very diverse group both socially and professionally and I have known most of them several years. I found myself looking at each individual with a somewhat different point of view than I had before. Each person's interaction towards me was different yet the general feeling was one of true friendship. You see this was the first time we had gathered together since my diagnosis.
When I consider the group outside of the my two closest friends, I can place them into some very specific roles. Every one of them sincere in their concern, solid in their support and dependable in their steadfastness.
My two closest friends cannot be compared to the group at all. They are at the center of my life. Their level of love and caring is without measure. Because like everyone they are not only dealing with my needs through this but have life issues affecting them as well. Having the capacity to do both is amazing. It often lends itself to my guilt over asking so much of people who have chosen freely to be involved at this level. I know that there is no way to ever express or repay such love. If you are ever able to form that kind of bond with someone it is truly priceless. Hopefully, I can put this relationship into words later.
Now as far as the rest of my circle I think that they fall into an inner circle and an outer circle. The inner circle people are the ones that you know will stay in contact with you regularly, concerned and there to help whenever you call on them, and the outer circle a little less so.
The inner circle friends will be there to support me and my center. These are the few people who not only have rallied around me, but have reached out to the two people closest to me and offered support. How can I explain that level of friendship? Can you look at you inner circle of friends and imagine that not only can they care about you that much, but they can recognize who's important to you and extend that support to them as well. These are the people that I know we could call on for anything and they would be there. I can't even imagine that I'm that good of a friend myself.
The outer circle are those people that are genuine in their concern and yet have to maintain some level of detachment for their own comfort level at this time. I don't question their friendship and I understand their position. I think we all experience that ourselves with people we know because we're uncomfortable with what's going on in their life as well.
I think we all strive to be someones friend, hoping that they will be ours. Last night a lot of people made time in their lives to be part of mine. Some of them canceling trips, changing time spent with their family and traveling hours to get here. All of this to spend a portion of my life with me and express their thoughts and well wishes as I continue this journey.
How will I ever repay my friends for their precious time?
I can only hope to be a friend.
My circle of friends is made up of a very diverse group both socially and professionally and I have known most of them several years. I found myself looking at each individual with a somewhat different point of view than I had before. Each person's interaction towards me was different yet the general feeling was one of true friendship. You see this was the first time we had gathered together since my diagnosis.
When I consider the group outside of the my two closest friends, I can place them into some very specific roles. Every one of them sincere in their concern, solid in their support and dependable in their steadfastness.
My two closest friends cannot be compared to the group at all. They are at the center of my life. Their level of love and caring is without measure. Because like everyone they are not only dealing with my needs through this but have life issues affecting them as well. Having the capacity to do both is amazing. It often lends itself to my guilt over asking so much of people who have chosen freely to be involved at this level. I know that there is no way to ever express or repay such love. If you are ever able to form that kind of bond with someone it is truly priceless. Hopefully, I can put this relationship into words later.
Now as far as the rest of my circle I think that they fall into an inner circle and an outer circle. The inner circle people are the ones that you know will stay in contact with you regularly, concerned and there to help whenever you call on them, and the outer circle a little less so.
The inner circle friends will be there to support me and my center. These are the few people who not only have rallied around me, but have reached out to the two people closest to me and offered support. How can I explain that level of friendship? Can you look at you inner circle of friends and imagine that not only can they care about you that much, but they can recognize who's important to you and extend that support to them as well. These are the people that I know we could call on for anything and they would be there. I can't even imagine that I'm that good of a friend myself.
The outer circle are those people that are genuine in their concern and yet have to maintain some level of detachment for their own comfort level at this time. I don't question their friendship and I understand their position. I think we all experience that ourselves with people we know because we're uncomfortable with what's going on in their life as well.
I think we all strive to be someones friend, hoping that they will be ours. Last night a lot of people made time in their lives to be part of mine. Some of them canceling trips, changing time spent with their family and traveling hours to get here. All of this to spend a portion of my life with me and express their thoughts and well wishes as I continue this journey.
How will I ever repay my friends for their precious time?
I can only hope to be a friend.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Time
Time, have you ever wondered how you spend it and what it will mean later in your life. I suddenly find myself more and more sensitive as to how mine goes by. Like everyone I get caught up in so many things that I can look back and say "that was a waste of my time". I think it happens in our relationships with people, places and things. I have a special friend that's very important in my life and this person absolutely hates to "wait" for anything. You might view their impatience as silly or unrealistic, but maybe they see time more clearly than we do. After all waiting is sometimes a waste of your time because what your waiting for wasn't really worth it. I had another friend that often wondered at the end if it was your money or your time that you would want back the most?
Over the last year and a half I have spent more of my time alone, on the road and trapped in my own mind. Was it a good use of the time I invested? Well, I have to say that it has allowed me time to be more introspective than I would have been about love, realtionships, friends, family and people in general. I would like to share some of these conclusions or opinions with you later.
I can only say that from my point of view the "time" is now to make every effort I can to make every minute of my time count. Although life forces us to waste time on life itself, I am more focused on how mine will be spent. It's hard to do no doubt, but the "Time" is now!
Over the last year and a half I have spent more of my time alone, on the road and trapped in my own mind. Was it a good use of the time I invested? Well, I have to say that it has allowed me time to be more introspective than I would have been about love, realtionships, friends, family and people in general. I would like to share some of these conclusions or opinions with you later.
I can only say that from my point of view the "time" is now to make every effort I can to make every minute of my time count. Although life forces us to waste time on life itself, I am more focused on how mine will be spent. It's hard to do no doubt, but the "Time" is now!
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Cancer
"Cancer" the most feared diagnosis you can ever hear from someones lips to your ear and I have it. It is the most devastating insult to us as a person and to our family and friends that will be with us throughout the course of this disease. It is indiscriminate towards who it attacks from the Godly to the wicked and yet even in it's punishment to both. The only difference I guess comes when it's time for the body to go "in the box" and the soul to go where ever we believe it goes.
Cancer brings into focus those that love me as well as those who do and just can't say it. It reveals my true friends that have been with me during these early events and removes the mask of those who pretend to be my friend. I have been both amazed and surprised to learn both of these things. The offers of help and support is both overwhelming and humbling. It serves to remind me where I have failed to be that person to those I have known in need.
Cancer will ravage me, my family, those that love me and my true friends that will work through this with me. It will have effects on each of us that will last a life time. It will cause us to face emotions that will make us uncomfortable and perhaps change our outlook on life. Today, we will try and capture memories and file them away for the future. All of this will not be just about me or even you because we are not unique in this battle with a fearless enemy.
The days ahead will be difficult I'm sure and yet I can already feel the love and support of those around me. Am I afraid? Certainly. Am I confident that we will defeat this thing called cancer? Absolutely. Will this change my life forever? No doubt. Am I heartbroken? More so for those that love me because they will suffer in equal measure to me sometimes feeling helpless, but I believe never hopeless.
"Cancer" a word that I hope never brings this fear to your own heart.
Cancer brings into focus those that love me as well as those who do and just can't say it. It reveals my true friends that have been with me during these early events and removes the mask of those who pretend to be my friend. I have been both amazed and surprised to learn both of these things. The offers of help and support is both overwhelming and humbling. It serves to remind me where I have failed to be that person to those I have known in need.
Cancer will ravage me, my family, those that love me and my true friends that will work through this with me. It will have effects on each of us that will last a life time. It will cause us to face emotions that will make us uncomfortable and perhaps change our outlook on life. Today, we will try and capture memories and file them away for the future. All of this will not be just about me or even you because we are not unique in this battle with a fearless enemy.
The days ahead will be difficult I'm sure and yet I can already feel the love and support of those around me. Am I afraid? Certainly. Am I confident that we will defeat this thing called cancer? Absolutely. Will this change my life forever? No doubt. Am I heartbroken? More so for those that love me because they will suffer in equal measure to me sometimes feeling helpless, but I believe never hopeless.
"Cancer" a word that I hope never brings this fear to your own heart.
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