A Time of Reflection

I guess the changing of the calender from one year to the next has trained us over the years to reflect on the past. Sometimes we see happy reflections in the mirror of our soul and others the obvious dark images. I wonder if we're more comfortable with regrets or really get the feeling of elation to return over the good times? Do you learn from your bad experiences or change your attitude to do better. It really follows the old cliche of "Doing the same things the same way expecting a different outcome". I mean after all isn't the World programed to eventually turn our way if we're just persistent enough?

My Oncologist says that many cancer patients suffer depression very much like soldiers having "Post Traumatic Syndrome Disorder" because your life and mortality has been brought into question. My therapist says that the difficulty lies in our ability to except that we are no longer like everyone else. We are forever changed and have to accept that we are different. It's that struggle I continue to have. Somehow I feel the same as I did before and yet I also feel different. Jim, my therapist, said that his transformation was as simple as the realization that he could park in a reserved parking space at the doctors office. It was that day that his prospective changed.

Perhaps it's this life event that has clouded my reflections on the past. I can see both images in the mirror with more clarity and yet still not have quite a grip on which means more. I have heard people say "I am going to live with no regrets", how is that be possible when at any moment you can make a decision you will regret. That's to say we accept every thing that happened in our life was exactly how we wanted it to be.

When I reflect on just the last five years I can assure you that the good and bad was not always what I expected. In fact I'm not sure I could have avoided the bad nor planned the good things that happened. I heard a quote recently that "life is a series of events" which seems to ring true. Reflections of the past are just that, a review of past "events".

Jim and I have discussed not only my reflections on the past but my concerns with the future. How we all spend time trying to plan on things we expect to happen in the future. The reality is that you can plan all you want but when you get there things will have changed. Of course we can't be irresponsible about the future but we can't waste today worrying about it.

I am reflecting on the past excepting that I can't change it, having regrets and hoping for a better tomorrow and trying to live for today.